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Ready Day 1: 225mgs Today is the day I pack my things and leave. After mom drops me off at the NM bus station I will go back to my res and call my friend and then hop on the bus from there. I will pack only the important things and the rest I will leave behind. I've been in my own little world all day. In constant thought of how this will play out. Thought and action are entirely different things, but I know this will happen. My friend had to do the same so I know she will support me in this. We will help each other grow. I have a positive feeling about this. Anainsight and Minstrelite have good points about embracing the life I'm leaving behind. Without all of my experiences with depression, cutting, eating disorders, and anxiety then I don't know if I'd be who I am today. It has made me a stronger person, given me a different outlook, made me more compassionate and understanding towards others. Many people thought I was brave when I chose to go to a college in a new city. An entirely new college that I had no idea how to get around or what kinds of people were there. I knew nobody. My downfall was that I wasn't ready to recover back then and I think that was my downfall. Yes, I learned the transit, layout of the school and residence, and met friends on my own. Those things helped me blossom into the more social person I am today. High school started me off socially, but college is what made me really fly because of being able to fit in with the sighted community. Even if they were just students. I met so many wonderful people through out my stays in res and I wouldn't have it any other way. Today I still make new friends, keep old ones, leave some old ones, and sort out my support systems. I think it's going pretty well. It was through a residence event that I learned to embrace that I was a lesbian by, unkowingly at the time, surounding myself with people who felt the same way I did and who shared their experiences with us. It was such a life altering experience for me. I will never forget it. The learning was fantastic. I learned countless facts and strategies and theories through the SSW program which I even applied to my own life to help me get better. Even though it's hard to work it doesn't mean I don't listen and take stuff in in class. I soak it up. I think even the abuse from my dad and step mom have made me a stronger person. I can handle a lot now and I know how I would NOT want to treat my kids one day. I think despite all the bad it pushed me to be independent. To fend for myself in life. It maybe even gave me a stronger more empowered attitude towards myself and life. I'm a fighter no matter how weak I feel most of the time. Put me in a debate after I research facts along with personal knowledge and you have ourself a worthy apponent. I made the group back down in our debate in Comm 200 class a few years ago because they bluntly stated that they had no idea how to combat my argument! lol! I'm stubborn just like my dad. I used to take it as an insult but now I see it as a compliment because it means I have strength. That others can't knock me down easily. I'm sad that college had to -fall down go boom- but maybe this wasn't the right path for me. Maybe it was at first, in fact I know it was, but things change. I started to feel trapped because no one would let me out to persue other avenues. This combined with the side-affects of the Effexor, and my depression were all not a good mix! No one ever understood that so it's time to take matters into my own hands and make my own path! I feel strong enough now! It's time... Tool- The Pot |
